Wis there IVER a bairn tae heed fit it's telt?
Fur the 99th time, YER NAE GETTIN A SHELT
Tae prance like a laird roon a show or gymkhana
I'd raither ye speired fur a snake, or pirhana.

I bocht ye a rubbit. An fa redds it oot
Picks the flechs frae its lugs an the dubs frae its snoot?
Far war ye fin Thumper lowped ooto his pen
Chased the Morrison's cat roon the lamppost an then
Wi the wyle o Houdini slid unner their gate
An ett their chrysanthemums doon at the rate
O a combine in hairst, takkin aathin clean in
Veggies, flooers an girse, wioot dichtin his chin?

Ye roared fur a gerbil. Finiver it come
It tuik aff like a rocket, an shot up the lum
Fin we raikit it oot wi a poker, its tail
An its fuskers war blaik as the coal in the pail
It wis cairtit awa wi a terrible hoast
As stiff, broon, an mochie's Methuselum's toast.

Neist, ye MAUN hae a hamster.
A whyle, ye war quate
I deared oot its piddles.
It cockit in state
Ye bosied an clapt it the bigsy wee moose
Syne ye drapt it. It chawed aa the wires in the hoose
It connached the TV.. clean blootered the screen
An drooned in the rinse o the washin machine.

The goldfish ye grat fur cud lowp like a Rusky
Espeecially efter ye dosed it wi fusky
It lowpit sae heich tapsalteerie it fell
An efter yon dunt, it wis niver itsel
It lay an it chittered.. a wee, nervous beastie
A shakk in its tail an a fleg in its briestie.

Twa days wi the guinea-pigs aa ye'd agree
Noo it skirls aa its lane, like a stikkit banshee
It's wyes lavatories minky at maist
Staunin up tae its oxters, in recyded waste.

Bit ye maun hae a shelt.
Oh, ye MAUN hae a shelt
An the lave o the pets can ging flee, or be selt

Sae, far wid it bide? In the greenhoose? The lobby?
Gin YE hid yer wye, lady, I'd be the cuddy!