Ye throwither sumph. Fur aa yer wirth
Ye sud hae bin drooned in a pail at birth!
Ay.. turn yer back on's.. powk yer plonks
Yer heid sud be doon in yer science buiks

Spikkin o heids ... ye needna glower
Ye'd hae gotten a snodder clip wi a mower
Isn't it cauld, tae be scrapit bare
O aa bit the stibble o fit wis hair?

It's nae. It's the fashion. A croon like a neep?
Fa'd hae thocht I'd hae bred a sheep?
The neebours speired if the tirrivee
Wis the stereo stoonin, or world war 3;
The din is threatenin tae raise the reef
It's a peety yer thrawn, as weel as deef.

Bide ooto yer room? Stap tee yer door?
Sez you, fa's rikkin frae ilkie pore
O fags, like a squib or steamin sharn
 Puffin awa like a bleezin barn

I've declared yer room a disaster zone.
While I'm aboot it, leave the phone
On the hook. The wires maun gey near melt
Bi the time yer tales hiv aa bin telt.

I ken that laddies pyocher an spit
Bit dinna dae it far fowk maun sit!
An fit's yon pictur abune yer ludo.
O fowk, bare-nyaakit, attemptin judo?

Biology is it? Lord be here,
It's a winner they dinna faa throw the fleet!
Ye cud grow tatties aneth yon nails
Is ONYTHING waur nur teenage males?

Ye didna sikk tae be born, ye say?
I'd hae raither hid jaunice onyday
If ye'd bin on trial fae a mairket staa
I'd hae taen ye hame fur a wikk or twa

Taen yer measure an pit ye back
Fur a tabby cat, an a Tarot pack
An a crystal baa, that I micht jink
Bein sib tae the likes o a teenage mink.